The Misadventures of an Overweight (Otaku) Assassin
by Obese-Gorilla
Summary: After failing to procure a copy of the legendary game Greed Island, Milluki returns to Cuckuroo mountain only to find that his anime figurine collection has been confiscated. And the only way to get it back? Kill fifty people of course! A diary about the not so interesting life of the Zoldyk Otaku!
1. It's not fair

A fanfic about Milluki (yay!)

I'll just warn you now not to take this too seriously.

enjoy :)

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Dear Diary.

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Today I returned home from the auction in Yorknew.

I failed to procure Greed Island.

It was all that bastard Battera's fault.

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When I returned home I found that something even worse had happened.

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Grandfather took away all of my figurines.

He said that if I want them back I must kill fifty people.

I told him that I had just killed fifteen people and gotten fifteen billion jenny for it from father.

I also told him that some of those figurines were extremely limited editions that have to be handled with the utmost care.

He said that doesn't matter. He said that I needed to train more in the art of killing.

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It's not fair. I'm not going to take over the family business so why should I?

I can build a bomb so small it can fit on a mosquito and then explode when it sucks blood. What's so special about ripping hearts out? Anyone can do that. I'm the only one who can invent a mosquito-activated bomb.

I'm also the only one to have reached level 1000 on Hunter Quest.

And the only one to collect all of the first printed copies of the Gold Star Tokemon cards.

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It's not fair.

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My family doesn't appreciate my genius.

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They only care about the stupid brat Killua.

Exceptional prospect my arse. All he did was run away making friends.

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I guess I should start killing people now...

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But first I'll have some dinner, then stock up on supplies. (potato chips)

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I hope you enjoyed it! :D

I've been wanting to write a fic about Milluki for ages now but I just couldn't figure out a good way to do it other than a diary.

Reviews will be much appreciated!


	2. My life sucks

Dear Diary.

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I have now left home with my supplies.

Grandfather has given me list of all of the people I have to kill.

I wanted to complain to daddy but he was away on a mission.

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I doubt that he would have helped me anyway.

No one in my family understands how valuable my figurine collection is.

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An otaku would kill for it.

In fact I have.

The guy refused to give me the just-released Gitachi figurine so what else could I have done?

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An hour ago I killed the first person on my list.

He was around my age.

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He was playing World of Aircraft when I killed him.

He was quite good to be honest. He has my respects.

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He also had some very nice nachos that I helped myself to after killing him as I was very tired and hungry.

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Assassinating people is too much work.

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This is so unfair.

My life sucks.


	3. I wish I had a Pankai

Dear diary.

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Today I killed another two people on my list. They were cosplaying as Strawberry and Rocky from Pleach.

I wish that I had a Pankai.

It would make assassinating people so much easier.

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I thought that the Strawberry costume was pretty good so I tried putting it on myself but for some reason it didn't fit.

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I have finished my supply of potato chips. I will have to buy some more tomorrow.

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I wonder what's happening at home.

Nobody in my family had better touch my figurines.

If I see so much as a fingerprint on them I'm going to kill them all.

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Speaking of annoying I wonder how Killua is doing with his _friends_.

I wonder how he managed to get a hold of that Greed Island memory card.

Of all people why did he get it?

He hadn't even heard of Greed Island until then.

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Why does he get all the luck?

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My life is so unfair.

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I wish I had a Pankai.


	4. Gump over targets

Thanks **Alkira11** and **Razorblade Mistress** for your reviews! :D

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Dear Diary.

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Today I went to the store to stock up on my supplies.

My favourite flavour wasn't available.

My luck seems to be getting even worse.

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I went to another store and bought my favourite chips from there instead.

The shopkeeper laughed when he saw me buying them so I killed him.

What's so funny about buying 100 bags of chips? It's important to have a steady supply.

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I also bought the latest Shounen Gump. I was interested to see what will happen next to Huffy and his crew.

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Aside from the shopkeeper I did not kill anyone today.

So far I have killed three out of the fifty people on my list.

I will kill some more after I have read my Gump three times.

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If one of my brothers were given this job they would have finished it already.

They say that I'm too slow.

They just don't understand the greatness of Shounen Gump.

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Why do they always try to kill people so quickly anyway?

As soon as someone's a Zoldyk target they're bound to die.

So why rush it? They have no sense of priorities.

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My manga is far more important than a stupid target.

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Why did I have to be born with such impatient brothers?

It's not fair.

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My life sucks.


	5. Illu-nii (join ma milluki fan club ya)

Dear diary.

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Today Illu-nii came to see me.

He said that I've been taking too long and that Grandfather will burn my figurines if I don't hurry up.

I told him that if he did that I would kill him.

Illu-nii said that I wouldn't be able to kill Grandfather.

He said that I don't have the skill or the strength.

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Who needs skill or strength?

I could kill Grandfather with one of my inventions.

Grandfather says that my inventions are stupid and childish. He wouldn't say that if I killed him with one.

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Why is my family so mean to me?

I bet they're just jealous because they can't hack into the government's top secret files.

But I can.

I could even hack the Hunter website too.

I only haven't because it's too risky.

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I didn't want my figurines burned so I killed another ten people today. It was very tiring.

Illu-nii said that I did a good job.

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They were all in a manga cafe.

One of them was reading a manga I hadn't yet heard of.

I've taken it with me to read as I have already finished my Gump.

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Illu-nii said that I should stop reading manga.

He doesn't understand.

No one understands.

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It's not fair.

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Thaaaaaanks for reading!

shukran arigatou merci danke gracias thank ye, ta!

Milluki needs more love... I think I shall start an unofficial Milluki fan club! Yes. I shall do this! It will be done.

TO ALL FELLOW MILLUKI FANS AND OTAKUS! WE MUST UNITE!

WE MUST GIVE MILLUKI THE RESPECT THAT HE DESERVES!

NOT EVERYONE CAN BUILD A MOSQUITO-ACTIVATED BOMB!

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I've just googled 'how to start a fan club' and theres a WikiHow on it! (Yay!)

... it all sounds very complicated... apparently I need to have regular meetings (gasp!) and decide on a president and treasurer and stuff...

boohoohoo I'm the worst person at organising things in the world! :'( I don't even know what a treasurer does- I just think of pirates when I read that word.

Never mind! I must persevere! TO ALL FELLOW MILLUKI FANS AND OTAKUS! DO NOT DESPAIR! I WILL NOT GIVE UP!

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Who wants to join my Milluki fan club!?

anybody? ...

anyone? ...

:'(

crap my authors notes are now as long as my story...


	6. The potato chip mystery

Thanks for your reviews and your offers to join the Milluki fan club guys! :D

And to** Nispedana**: I couldn't PM you so I'll just write my reply to your review in the author's note at the end of this chapter. Make sure you read it! XD

_Gueeeeeeeeeeess what?_

This Chapter includes a **bonus Diary entry!**_ *woopwoop*_

_If you're in ma Milluki fan club you'll get it. :)_

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Dear Diary.

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I haven't killed anyone today.

I killed ten yesterday so I'm having a well-earned rest and respite.

Assassinating people is too tiring and I want some time to read the manga I picked up yesterday.

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My replenished supply of potato chips has again run out.

I don't understand where it all went. It's very suspicious. Someone must have taken some.

However I don't know who could have done that other than Illu-nii who saw me yesterday. And even he would have trouble taking my potato chips without being caught.

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Because no one steals my potato chips.

Not if they want to live another day.

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But Illu-nii doesn't eat potato chips. He only eats raw organic foods.

I don't understand him at all.

Even the brat has better taste than him. ChocoRobo-kun are very good.

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But I really can't find my potato chips. Where could they have gone if Illu-nii didn't eat them?

This is so unfair.

What did I do to deserve this?

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As well as some more potato chips I need to buy a new belt.

Strangely, mine doesn't seem to fit anymore.

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Why does everything go wrong in my life?

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***bonus diary entry* **(yaaay! ...I guess...)

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Dear Diary.

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I have just been to an internet cafe, as it has been a whole four hours since I Iast went online.

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On the internet I discovered something peculiar.

A fansite dedicated to me.

I was curious so I had a look at it.

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It was terrible.

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The creator knows nothing about building sites and they completely failed in their attempts at depicting my prodigious self.

And I wasn't amused by the captions that they put on the photos.

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Why do I have to have the idiot fans?

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It's not fair.

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My fans suck.

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How did you like the 'bonus diary entry'?

If you didn't understand what the hell Milluki was talking about, there's a clue on my profile. *wink wink, nudge nudge*

_Just sayin..._

Anyone who's not **Nispedana** can ignore everything I write after this... Unless you REALLY want to know what I want to say to them... O.O

**To Nispedana**: Thanks for the review and for pointing out the tense inconsistency! I've tried to fix it so hopefully it makes a bit more sense now... I can't believe I didn't notice it myself! I'm actually quite embarrassed... :S

_And about my other story_ (the interdimensional travel one): I get what you mean about the whole 'can't make OCs too powerful' thing, and I agree with you! After all, there are far too many Mary-Sues out there in the big wide world of fanfiction, and I would hate for my characters to be given citizenship to Marysueland.

So why did I give them that crazy strength?

Well I wanted the characters to be gifted, but do all the wrong things with their gifts; as it's a lot easier to wreck havoc on the world if you have super strength isn't it? ;)

That's why they have such horrible personalities and morals. I want them to be capable (both physically and emotionally/mentally) of causing mass-destruction and complete chaos, AND ruining every character's life- because I'm evil and I think it's funny. :D mwahahaa

Hopefully their horribleness will slowly become apparent to the readers later on in the story, otherwise I have completely failed in my wonderful mission... :'(

Thanks again for your reviews! Hopefully you now have a better understanding of the inner-workings of my strange, strange mind. And hopefully you aren't running away screaming because of this...

**_To everyone who's had to put up with my terribly long authors notes in this chapter and the last_: I'm really sorry! I promise that they wont be as long from now on.**


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